My Sweet Nothings Part Deux

National Sarcastic Society - like we really need your support!
Never go to bed mad. Stay a wake to plot your revenge!!
Never miss a good chance to SHUT UP!
Nobody gets in to see the wizard; not nobody; not no how!
Nobody notices what I do … until I don't do it.
Normal around here is just a setting on the dryer.
Not Perfect … but so close it scares me.
Obey Gravity - It's the LAW!
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight; because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
One out of four people in this country is mentally unbalanced. Think of your three closes friends; if they seem OK, then you're the one. - Ann Landers
One should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Optimist: The glass is HALF full!
Pessimist: The glass is HALF empty!
Engineer: The glass is TWICE the size it needs to be!
A penny saved is a government oversight.
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first. - David H. Comins
Please don't interrupt me when I'm talking to myself.
Please Go Fascinate Someone Else!
PMS means purchase more shoes.
The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead. - Ann Landers
Professional Critic
Remember, to the outside world we are a normal family.
Sanity is on back order… Sarcasm is in unlimited supply.
Sarcasm: just one more service I render.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
Speak the truth but leave immediately afterward.
A simple way to measure a country is to look at how many want in … and how many want out. - Tony Blair (b. 1953 Prime Minister of England)
Slightly used, but in good condition
Some are born great, some achieve greatness and some hire PR officers. - Daniel J. Boorstin
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. - Oscar Wilde
Some day my ship will come in. I'm sure I'll be waiting at the airport.
Some days are a total waste of makeup.
Some days you are the top dog and other days you're the hydrant.
Some drink at the fountain of knowledge… others just gargle
Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong. - George Carlin
Some see the glass as half empty; others see the glass as half full. I just want to know who is drinking my beer?!
Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the first word you thought of. - Burt Bacharach
Tell us what you really think!
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it …
For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist - Mark Twain
There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want.
They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge. - Thomas Brackett Reed
This job is a test. It is only a test. Had It been an actual job, you would have received bonuses, raises, and promotions.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
The trouble with women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.
Use the best: Linux for servers * Mac for graphics * Palm for mobility * Windows for solitaire
Viewer discretion advised.
Was your head with you all day today? - Bill Cosby
We can't all be heroes… Somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as the parade goes by. - Will Rogers
We're all quite mad here… you'll fit right in.
We're off like a herd of turtle.
Well, aren't we just a fuckin' ray of sunshine?!?
Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
What ever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed!
What part of Y'all Don't you Understand??
What Washington needs is adult supervision. - Barack Obama
What we need is a patch for human stupidity.
When I think back on all the crap I learned in high school, It's a wonder I can think at all. - Paul Simon Kodachrome
When I want your opinion … I will give it to you.
When I want your opinion … I'll rattle your cage.
When you arrive at a fork in the road, take it. - Yogi Berra
Why be only difficult, with a little effort you can be impossible.
Windows Tech Support: 1) Restart Program 2) Reboot computer 3) Reinstall Windows 4) Buy a new computer
The world would be a better place were there not so many people striving to improve it. - Olavo de Carvalho
Ya Think?!?!?!
Yes, madam, I am drunk. But in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly. - Winston Churchill
You can agree with me or you can be wrong!
You can't stay young forever, But you can be immature for the rest of your life.
You don't have to say that I am right, it is enough to say that I have spoken.
You must understand … there are some things that you will NEVER understand.
You shouldn't compare yourself to others … they are more screwed up than you think.
You're not an alcoholic unless you go to the meetings
Your choice to ignore the facts does not change the facts.