Good evening, everyone. Well, it'll be morning by the time I'm done with this, take your pick. I'm going to get a few things off my chest, and I'm chosing this place to do it. Don't read, or read on, its up to you, Gentle Reader. May you gain insight, and perhaps inspiration.
My name, is Jesse, I am currently 46 years old as of October. I have brown hair, hazel eyes, i wear glasses, weigh around maybe 290-310lbs though I don't look but perhaps 240ish. Before a few months ago, I was a homeless person, and was from the age of 19. I had an abusive childhood, learned that negative attention, while is still attention is still negative attention, and learned that if i wnted friends i had to be friendly, bathe, shave, smile and not be my father. I, knowing i was a product of a selfish, abusive environment, chose to put my life on hold. I chose to volunteer at several thrift/mission stores through the years, and helped possibly directly and indirectly, hundreds of thousands of people. I've met both horrible and beautiful people, and count myself fortunate to have had this unique experience.
I like helping people. I tend to lean towards kindness, though in roleplay this might seem otherwise, as I'm expected to act differently. I like giving advice, i have a lot of experience to draw on. I've had many friends over the years, some are still around, many not. Made some new ones, lost some due to drama, stupidity or drama and stupidity. Or ignorance. Or my own foolishness, i can be foolish sometimes, I freely admit it. I'm not afraid to admt when I'm wrong, and apologize when it's necessary. I think the only help
My background in Gor before today is unnecessary to describe, a few of you know it and can spread it around if asked; many of you that don't know assume the absolute worst, like people do in realityland Shame on you, and those that assume my Gor persona is my real life one. You don't know but you hate anyway. But, I'm not a secret, I just don't want to talk about it here. I might answer if asked directly. I'm not unapproachable.
I came back to Gor/Buzzen to relax, bleed of some stress, pretend I don't have any responsibilities other than a wagon, a few bosk, and badly cooked substances loosely.referred to as "stew". I don't go around killing people, kidnapping slaves, free women, bosk, or slaves or women that look like bosk. Well not any more, not for quite a few years. There isn't anyone around that'd even acknowledge that Gor has "bad" things in it, now. Their rooms for the most part are safe zones, despite their no zone lables. Most homes aren't even populated. Why spend the money to make a permanent room if you're only going to use it once or twice a week for a couple of weeks, then abandon it? All this does is show people that Gor roleplay is dead and to move on to IRC or some other venue like Second Life, if you're into that. Tried it, didn't like it.
There's nothing to do here except sit in an empty room, dreaming impotent dreams of the past that will never come to fruition. Oh there's rooms open, but going in them feels to me like I'm trespassing on someone's conversation and I end up feeling awkward and looking for a reason to cut my stay short. Another I'm permanently banned from, because I'm a "jackass", an "asshole", I do horrible things to people and slaves, and a reminder that bad things can happen in Gorland, and I'm inexplicably capable of expressing an opinion that doesn't agree with the host, how dare I think and speak for myself! Shame on you too if you do...but most of you don't.
A couple people made rooms available to everyone to go to so they'd have a place to all visit at once, to mingle and cohabitate, trade, barter, sell, etc etc. But no one went to any of them because, and this is my opinion, they didn't like who was or would be in charge, irrelevant to it being said that no one would be specifically in charge. I'm not just talking about the Trading Post here, there were one or two other places with this idea that also failed at the same time, its just the Post was the most popular place to bitch about because of the people who had hammers. EVERYONE could have had a hammer if someone'd suggested it but no, we as a community would rather tear at each other instead of building.
Sort of like Baptists. (Who saw what i did there?)
I did have a subject to speak about, but i seem to have rambled. Sorry. I was distracted by a phone call and talked during it, then someoe knocked on my door to talk about something i had no interest in. I might be taking a lengthy "break" from Buzzen, and I'm sure some of you got really happy when i say that. Those of you that did, are the sickness that Buzzen gor has been enduring and suffering for a long, long time. Not because you dislike me, I can handle that with great aplomb, but because you feel glad that a person with so much experience and competence is going to be absent for a perhaps a long time.
I have been waiting for so long to be used as a source of information, for people to ask how they could improve the quality of roleplay, how to just...DO things better. I waited in vain. Like i said above, i like to help people. I *want* to help people, it's my natuire. But no one seems to want that sort of help in the quantity i hoped. I'm sure this blog will pull a few people out to ask me not to go, a couple might tentatively ask questions but then back off because of my, yes, well-earned reputation and forget what I say and regret they asked. I might even get accused of whining. I might be, I certainly feel I've earned the right after all these years.
Someone said in skype recently that they felt lonely, that they wanted to feel they were worth something to somebody. I know exactly how they feel. Only, I don't have the options, the pre-requisite brainwashing and gender to change roles. Join a home? Where? Whose? And do what? Retire the character and start over? I would be immediately re4cognized by my rp style and would end up being ostracised all over again, except I'd have to get rebanned to make it complete. Start a new home? Didn't you see what I said above about so many being abandoned after only a few weeks? I have better things to waste my money and time on.
There is nothing here but complacency, stagnation and bile. And wishful thinking, hippie harem roleplay, and women death matches. Is this what we've become? Has no one anything else to offer? I know I'm persona non grata and anything i suggest will get ignored, but someone somewhere has to have SOMETHING. Else what's the point of even going in rooms? Going in and everyone feeling happy and complacent, everybody telling everybody that they're wonderful, and aren't they wonderful they're so wonderful, but they're really...alone. And they don't care. Just don't mess up the mood or you'll be cast into the outer darkness so you'll wish you never had a single individual thought of your own. But even if you do have something, Gentle Reader, you too will be ignored, or criticized for speaking out because naturally the critics (everyone else who isn't you, and maybe you too, the next day) will want to know who's in charge, why isn't it them, should be anyone but you so it ought to be them and if it isn't then we'll think about your idea meanwhile how about that slave talking about perky boobs in the cold room, eh? And that wiggly ass and soon to be open thighs, with omg, a Free Woman in the room too! Who cares about the drink or food, we want perky nips and a tight ass!
Sigh* I ranble, i know. But I think there's sense in there somewhere, go find it. Be sure to take lots of stuff out of context, i made it like this on (No I didn't) purpose. If you've managed to reach this point, congats. You're either interested in criticising, or you want to see me freefall down the rabbit hole woth no parachute, and wait for the splat. I weigh around 300 so it'd be a decent sized splat, if i cared to describe it. Not gonna though. I hit bottom long ago when i saw the people, places, and things and still stuck around thinking i could help.
You guys have a nice day, night, whatever. Right now, at this time, in this place, I don't really care about Gorland.
It's not my Gor any more. Hasn't been for a long, long time.
Take care, Gentle Reader. If that's what you are.
