“Testosterone is a steroid hormone from the androgen group and is found in humans and other vertebrates. In humans and other mammals, testosterone is secreted primarily by the testicles of males and, to a lesser extent, the ovaries of females. Small amounts are also secreted by the adrenal glands. It is the principal male sex hormone and an anabolic steroid.
In men, testosterone plays a key role in the development of male reproductive tissues such as the testis and prostate as well as promoting secondary sexual characteristics such as increased muscle, bone mass, and the growth of body hair. In addition, testosterone is essential for health and well-being as well as the prevention of osteoporosis.”
Rant in 3, 2, 1…
Are you kidding? Ok so hold on tight and ride this one out. Recently, I was moving about 12 tons of dirt the old fashioned way: shovel and wheelbarrow. I had a guy pull up next to me in a Prius (I’m pretty sure he had a messenger bag on the seat next to him, just saying). He was quite pretty and manicured and he says:
“Wow, that’s a lot of dirt, can’t you pay someone to do that?” I smiled and shrugged and said, “Naw, I enjoy it.” My metro friend looked stunned. He couldn’t believe it. Almost stuttering he says “Why?”
Why? Why was I standing there, literally sweating my ass off, in 115 degree summer heat in Phoenix, AZ, shoveling dirt that I frankly could have hired a couple laborers to do for less than $100? Testosterone. Oh Yes, I am all male. I love my testosterone and I love being a man(Excuse me while I load some Danzig… Motherrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr). In the above quote you will see: “In men, testosterone plays a key role in the development of male reproductive tissues such as the testis and prostate as well as promoting secondary sexual characteristics such as increased muscle, bone mass, and the growth of body hair.”
Now I’m pretty sure that translateS into: I’ve got big balls, bigger muscles, and I like it when you touch my a… Anyway, When I use my body, when I move 12 tons of dirt by myself, I feel the testosterone. My muscles are quivering, my lungs are full of oxygen. I can feel the power within me. I am man, I’m at the top of the food chain, and I want to Hunt, Gather and Breed. Baby? Hand me my club and put on a sexy fur, I’m gonna kill a dinosaur and then lets work on evolving. Homo erectus, Indeed.
Ok, Ok so let me get something straight. Yes I have evolved it’s not all about the three F’s, anymore. The Three F’s are Fight, Feed and F well you get the idea. They are controlled by the cerebral cortex and as we have evolved that has shrunk considerably. That being said, I have to ask the question. She? In the event of a Zombie Apocalypse, wouldn’t you prefer a guy moves his own dirt, digs his own holes, and when he smells your hair can’t keep his hands off you to a guy in skechers with a messenger bag?
Ok my fellow Neanderthals, let me give you a clue. Testosterone is not about domination of the fairer, kinder sex, EVER. Women are not our Equal. They are our superior. No Girls, No Humans. It’s about respect, it’s about her knowing that she can be weak with you, trust you, and give herself to you totally and completely and you will never use that trust to hurt her. It’s about a woman being a woman, and her man being her man. It’s about her knowing that if she needs a hole dug, or a brontosaurus burger, you can take care of it. It’s about being strong enough to trust her to have your back when you are weak.
One of my favorite movies is Armageddon, I adore that movie. I have seen it no less than a dozen times. The first, the last, and the next time I see it I will Cry like a Jewish Grandmother at a wedding. I don’t mean little tears and sniffles than can be brushed away, I mean wracking sobs of anguish and lost love, when She says “Daddy…” and at the end when the little boy comes running out to his father. Wow I’m sniffling a little now just thinking about it (Some Metallica will fix that !“Sleep with one eye open, gripping your pillow tight…”). So as I was saying, that movie and several others make me cry like John Boehner at a state of the Union address, BUT let a axe murder, tyrannosaurus rex, or a viscous spider threaten my woman or my child. Wahoo mother trucker we are gonna fight.
I keep hearing about guys suffering from “Low T”. They have cream patches and injections for it all now. Dudes, if you’re feeling like maybe the acorns are shriveling, then for the love of pancakes man. Do something. Go for a hike, dig a hole, sweat, feel the sun on your skin. Work your body like it was intended to be worked. Do something that makes a pretty girl smile or murmur: “That’s kinda Hot” You don’t need pills, patches or injections. You need to live and feel alive.
In the movie 300, I have two favorite quotes. Ill share both with you as I wrap up this rant. My spirit feeling satisfied and satiated. To my friends, my fellow knuckledraggers I say
Spartans! Ready your breakfast and eat hearty… For tonight, we dine in hell!
And from my Lady…
Queen Gorgo: Spartan!
King Leonidas: Yes, my lady?
Queen Gorgo: Come back with your shield, or on it.
King Leonidas: Yes, my lady.
Now, if you’ll excuse me…I have a hole to dig.
Okay, first I want to rag on He for a moment – that hole is STILL not done? REALLY? Get on it man! It’s been like a MONTH! LOL! Your water bill is going to be ridic if you don’t get that finished mate. Also I lost my shit laughing so hard when I read “homo erectus,” and “brontosaurus burger.” You are such a legend sometimes He.
Okay, now that I’ve done that I can get to the point. Now it’s not very often I agree with He. Usually I will come up with something witty to counter what he says because it’s not often that men and women have the same view (And believe me, there is a logical explanation for that – and no ladies it’s not as simple as men are less evolved than we are [though many a man are lacking in the brain department]). But this time, He is really onto something here.
I will probably go off track and go on a tangent eventually, but I promise to attempt to stay on point. First I’m going to answer He’s question and just to recap I’m going to copy and paste it here:
“She? In the event of a Zombie Apocalypse, wouldn’t you prefer a guy moves his own dirt, digs his own holes, and when he smells your hair can’t keep his hands off you to a guy in skechers with a messenger bag?”
Well. In the event of a Zombie Apocalypse I assume no one is going to want to smell anyone’s here. I can’t imagine it being a very good smelling environment if it ever comes to that. But your point is accurate yes, in the event of a Zombie Apocalypse I’d rather have a strong man who isn’t afraid to get his hands dirty or afraid breaking a nail if it comes down to a epic battle of life and death. But here’s the real answer: I’d rather have a man who can move his dirt, dig his own holes, has hands roughened by a form of manual labor by my side at any given point in time than a little boy with nice clothes or skechers at any given point in time.
Now, I will be the first to admit that those feminine looking boys are kinda cute to look at. I mean they’re pretty. Usually guys that He is describing doesn’t have a hint of masculinity about him until the second they drop their pants. And therefore that makes them pretty. Which is nice to look at, because if you’re pretty…well you’re pretty right? And let me tell you, boys who are pretty are not handsome. Handsome is a masculine term (girls I know you know what I am talking about, every damn one of you, and when we compliment those pretty boys we say they are hot so that they cannot read between the lines and get butthurt. Just think about it…uh huh you know) and it doesn’t apply to the boys in skinny jeans and skechers or converse (usually with a cute emo-do and gauges). Yea. They are pretty.
But at the end of the day, a masculine man is not only handsome in a rugged working way, but you can depend on them. Pretty-boys usually won’t get in a fight to defend your honor, or protect you. Pretty boys usually can’t provide food if a zombie apocalypse were to occur (It would probably take a lot of wasted bullets to train them how to use a gun), their rough hands probably knows how to do things that most girls have no clue how to do (Honey… my car won’t start! Babe why the hell is the dishwasher doing the tango across the kitchen!?), and in general their masculinity sets a strong backbone for a family to revolve around. Because c’mon girls, do you really want to be the masculine one in a relationship?
Now please note, I’m talking about the cliches in the world, I understand not every guy who doesn’t move his own dirt or whatnot is not as flimsy or femme as I’m describing. I do apologize to the more masculine pretty boys. Some of you are just not born with masculine builds I get that, just like not all women are soft, small and round. And in no way am I discouraging you to not be something you’re not into. And note we’re not bashing anyone’s sexuality here either just in case anyone was getting any offended-ideas going on.
Now, He gave some really excellent and genderlicious advice to his homeboys in his segment. And again, I’m going to recap his advice (and ladies let me tell you this is exactly the reason why He is in my top five of favourite units of the Male species): “Ok my fellow Neanderthals, let me give you a clue. Testosterone is not about domination of the fairer, kinder sex, EVER. Women are not our Equal. They are our superior. No Girls, No Humans. It’s about respect, it’s about her knowing that she can be weak with you, trust you, and give herself to you totally and completely and you will never use that trust to hurt her. It’s about a woman being a woman, and her man being her man. It’s about her knowing that if she needs a hole dug, or a brontosaurus burger, you can take care of it. It’s about being strong enough to trust her to have your back when you are weak.”
Now, girls I’m going to give you some advice, and read very, very carefully. Let your man be masculine. Even if you know how to change the oil or tire, ask him to do it. Do not let him try to dominate you, or push you around but at the same time do not emasculate him – EVER. Be the Goddess you are without making him feel small. Be your man’s woman, and he will be your man. Men are fragile, and their egos are easily shattered. It’s about finding a balance as to not upset your male counterpart. Tell him he makes you feel safe, tell him he’s your rock, and he will forever strive to continue to be that way (because believe it or not, men actually need validation as much as the female species) for you. Stroke his ego, be vulnerable and soft with him, feed his masculinity without letting him try to test the boundaries, and you will work just fine. And for you women with masculine men who have Tiny Human spawnlets, you know best how tender they are under that manly exterior, so nurture that; because the more you do, the more likely he is to be a Superman in the event of a Zombie Apocalypse.
