Strength

"Sometimes, walking away has nothing to do with weakness, and everything to do with strength. We walk away not because we want others to realize our worth and value, but because we finally realize our own."

I met someone on this little Buzzen site at the end of 2014. I enjoyed chatting to him and became very curious as he was a crossdresser and into BDSM. Little did I know, over time, I would fall madly in love with him. At the beginning of 2015, I was collared online and met him in real life just a few weeks later. There were times, and I now know they were warning signs, that he would get upset over the smallest things just by chatting. A few times he'd make snide remarks when I had things to do offline with my family. Family has always been very important to me and a top priority. But I shrugged it off and just kept going with things. After just 10 months of chatting, 3-4 visits, I decided to make the move and move into his home, over 600 miles from "home". It was great and fun at first. An then I saw the real side, the side I should of guessed by the snide remarks online. I was never physically harmed, I never feared for my safety. However, there are many things that should not happen in a relationship. A person should never be malnipulated into things. A person should be able to buy the clothes they like and wear the things they would like, without any rude comments. An above all, a person should be loved for who they are. Over 2 years time, I found myself doing things to simply satisfy him, putting my own feelings aside. I was never forced into anything. But, when comments are made, sometimes you tend to do whatever so those comments are not made. Wearing high heels, was never really my thing, it was more so for him. Sure.. the first few times were exciting and I loved the public comments. An then.. I wore them around the house just to keep him happy, even though I did not want to. Dyeing my hair red was ok the first time I did it, the other times, I did it because I knew it pleased him. An I'll never forget the day I was asked, "when are you dyeing your hair, it looks like crap?!" and I finally had enough and said "i'm done dyeing it". I finally found my voice. We split up for the first time in August of 2016, it was just weeks after telling him I was pregnant. I went back home. I should of left him alone. I should of never contacted him. The truth I now see, is he would of never contacted me on his own. But I wasn't ready to let go. He sent me a card, only because I told him "if you loved me and wanted me at all, you would try". I see that now, looking back. An in October of 2016, I moved back in.. of course.. on HIS TERMS.. like usual *sighs*. He wanted me to move back, and he promised he'd bring me back to my home town for a baby shower in December, and he did. Things again were happy and mostly good. He stopped making as many sighs or comments on my choice of clothes, there were still a few. He didn't suggeest I wear heels, I wouldn't due to the pregnancy. He still preffered things to be his way, and it drove me nuts. The house was never clean enough. Cleaning the bathroom, doing the dishes, the floors (sometimes I admit they just got swept), and dusting the main tables.. simply wasn't enough. I was expected to cook dinner and then clean up while he sat on the couch, even though I was working 8 hour days an pregnant. A little help goes a long way, a little note to the men. Since this is long enough as is, I will make it shorter. When our daughter was 4 1/2 months old.. I was feeling very down, which is normal for some new moms. I needed more then anything at the time to be reassured of my mans love. I knew I was breaking inside. I will never forget spending all evening away from him, distancing myself and trying so hard not to cry. An when I went to the bathroom and wiped the silent tears and told myself "you have to reach out" I walked out to where he was sitting on the couch an sat next to him. He put his arm around me an ran his fingers on my shoulder. I felt the tears, an laid my head in his lap so he couldn't see them. I finally broke, and asked "do you love me".. and instead of a reassuring tone.. I got an angry tone that made me shut down.. I sat up and tried to stop the tears. "Yes, I love you, I thought you didn't love me".. that tone of voice and his next action of walking out onto the porch, leaving me alone.. was all I needed. We hadn't slept together in months, he said some smart remark after his shower and went to his bedroom and I went to my daughters room at the other end of the house an on her floor, cried myself to sleep. The very next day, I took my daughter and with the help of friends in town and my family, I went "home". 

It has been a very long and hard 7 months. I left in August of 2017, it is now March of 2018. I have had my moments of weakness, I have hated my ex to the point I have said horrible things. But it is by far, the best decision I have ever made. It feels SO GOOD to be able to go out shopping WITHOUT someone making smart comments about your clothing choice. I am a JEANS AND TSHIRT kind of girl.. I put them on now without worrying about hearing "wheres your dress" on days off and home. On my days off, if all that gets done is playtime with my daughter, dishes, an the floor swept and vacummed.. there is noone coming home asking me why other things didn't get done! If my daughter needs something, she is put first, ALWAYS! An best of all, I can make my own choices, do things my own way, an not have to worry about upsetting someone! No more smart comments either! It feels so good, to be, ME, again! I am so much happier and healthier on my own with my sweet little girl.