“You are free to do what you please, malih.”
Ilithia’s words rang in my head as I woke. How little understanding I had of what it was to be free. Just a hand ago, I was free. And now I am not.
There is so much I do not know and the words overwhelm me to the point of frustration. I miss Ilithia’s hands running idly through my hair as I attended the lessons she taught me, and her never-ending patience. And the way she’d allow me to take a break when I wished. She understood me. She gave me this gift, writing, to help me express what I felt or what I’d learned or what I wondered about. I only wish I could share it with her again. I want to go home.
Since Master found me, I have been collared by Mistress and she says I belong to her. How is that possible? Where I am from, people do not belong to one another, and we certainly never felt the right to make a slave of someone. What a horrible word it is---slave. To be owned by someone. To have someone impose their will on you. To not be allowed the freedom to make my own choices. And to have that so suddenly taken away. It is heartbreaking.
I do not understand ayo. She is a beautiful girl also owned by Mistress. My heart aches for her that she has been through much. Mistress said she was supposed to be a gift for someone and that made me smile a bit. A gift can be a delightful thing. But something happened in ayo’s life that left her changed. Imagine being raised by a jit, a creature that lives in a place called a jungle. I can’t help wonder if she knew love there. At least caring. Did she have an Ilithia?
We are so different, ayo and I. She takes comfort in life as a slave, though she has a fear of men. Perhaps if she got to know Master Burl, she would not be so afraid of being with them. ayo does not mind chains and cuffs, and says that in them, she is safe. I see them as being restrictive and find myself feeling stuck. I refused to put the ankle cuffs on. They are bulky and clanky and I would rather be without the jewelry. I hadn’t thought about the delicate anklet Ilithia had given me until Mistress commanded me to put the cuffs on. I must have lost it on the beach. Much like I lost Ilithia. It brings me sadness. And I will be whipped for it.
I did not like the whipping I received the day after Mistress collared me. I still remember the pain of it, though Master says the marks are fading. It was the same night that she ordered the iron be put to my skin, searing a kef into it, a mark Master says means kajira or slave. Perhaps I can remove the collar---the necklace Mistress placed around my neck, but I know that mark means I will always be seen as a slave. I tried to scratch at it when I’d been left alone, trying to remove it, but Master bound my hands and then applied a healing salve to it with surprising gentleness. He said the mark made me more beautiful than I already am. I can’t agree.
It is hard to keep up with all the words I do not know, but I will try to add them as I learn them. I’m grateful at least to have been allowed to keep the writing box, though I worry I will run out of paper. I wonder where I might get more.
Slave: someone who is owned
Man: a person with a penis
Master: a man
Penis: that thing between the legs of a man. Master says sometimes it grows painfully hard and needs relief. I am happy to help. I only wish he would not choke me.
Mistress: a woman. But I am a woman too, and not a Mistress. I don’t think I understand this word. Or her.
Collar: a necklace that won’t come off. Mistress says it has my name and the gardens I belong to etched on it so others will know. I wish I could go back there. Maybe when they see malih on the collar, they will know I am not eru.
Gor: The world we live in. Apparently, the gardens I am from are just one small part of it.
The sun will be rising soon. I can see light edging its way into the windows. I wonder what today will bring. My thoughts continue to wander, as I wish I could do. But even with what little I know, I know that I will be brought back here if I try to leave. I have to have a plan first. One that cannot fail.
