Warning: This has some bad language in it.. for the first time i have actually done this in my poetry, so please dont be offended if you do read it.. this was my life beforehand, and just getting some of it out. Thanks...
The darkest part of me
lies in all of your
dirty little secrets
that you kept hidden
in all of the beatings
you dole out to me
that you kept spilling out
over and over and over
when you saw i was happy
the hatred you spilled out
into ulgy remarks
that left this girl into pieces
but you kept saying
how this was a wonderful family
how this was a Godly family
yet where was this Godly family
when i would get beaten for hours
in circles with a belt? For something so outrageous
Where is that Godly family
when you could call me a whore?
a cunt
a bastard
and anything else you wanted to say to me?
Where was this Godly family
when you forsake me and said i was not your daughter anymore?
How could anyone take your side
and say that im the one who is Satan
doing his evil doings....
chuckles,that still baffles me on that
Looking back into childhood
looking back teenage years
i see how brainwashed i was
or how naive or stupid i was
for believing everything you said to me
for thinking nothing was wrong with this "family"
But i see it so clear now
That i was truly in Hell
each and every day being in your presence
Worrying what would tick you off
if i would get hit so hard that i could barely walk
or that maybe that day you were so fucking pissed off that you would burn me for the fun of it.
Or maybe, just maybe you would put me down
saying im worthless
a fat cunt that cant get anyone
and good for nothing...
I still dont know how i made it
through all those years living with you
and everyone appeasing you
and how sickening it was that you didnt give a fuck if they appeased you or not
yet you kept coming at me.
I think back and think, was it because im not your daughter?
Is it because i had a backbone?
Was it because i wouldnt appease you?
What was the cause of you to hurt me so badly
that you wanted me to be insane?
And yet im still baffled
Still cant answer that one...not sure if i will ever be able to answer that.
how can a "loving" family
be so malice
that they would lie over and over
on every little thing
and have half truths in it
and yet you want her to believe
that you are a loving, Godly family
How can that be?
When time after time
it shows how vindictive you were
how you plotted
how you spied
how you got any information
and then would cover it up
with screaming
with beatings
with hateful matches
that would last for hours on end
or until i broke and said fuck it
im done and put my walls up inside
It hurts to rethink/relive this
each and every day
hurts to look at all the scars you put
onto my body
onto my soul
into my mind
and yet here i am, still loving
still yearning
still praying
still crying
still thinking what i can do better
to make this "family" work.
And each time i pray
each time i cry and beg God for a good answer
i get, this is not your family
this is not where you need to be
and doors slamming and locking shut forever
especially when you said, you are not my daughter
I saw that day, you walked away
you were finally done with me
but why am i not relieved inside?
Why cant i just say okay
and move on with life?
Is it because i have always wanted a family
to love me
to care for me
to see who I AM?
to see how this woman grew up?
to be an actual loving family?
and that i never got it?
Is this a grieving process for me?
To finally get you out of my system?
To finally cut the cords?
If it is, i want it to end
i want these feelings to go away
these memories to fade away
and all of the anger
all of the sorrow
all of the guilt
all of this baggage
to be taken away
and left with someone stronger
happier at the end of this journey
you threw at me.....
and can look back later on in life
and say i am a warrior
for God
for myself
and for my Husband
and have that happy ending i have been dreaming for
for the longest..........
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