So many questions…

It has been many, many hands since my Master and I began traveling and hunting across the tundra, and in that time, I would like to think I have come to know him better and better.

I still do not know exactly who his people are, and I sometimes wonder if he knows entirely who they are himself. Yet he understands the lay of more lands than I do, having traveled to places across Gor that I have never seen. He understands how things work in this world far better than I, and he believes firmly in the natural order of things. The more I come to understand him, the more I find myself believing that even if he had initially wanted me as his equal, the end between us would likely have been the same. Perhaps it was simply the way we were always meant to find our places beside one another.

I have fully accepted my fate, and I would not change the man to whom I belong, but it would be untrue to say that I do not sometimes miss the freedoms I once took for granted. There are moments when I wish I could simply walk up to my Master, wrap my arms around him, press my lips to his, or reach for him without having to stop and wonder whether I should. It is not that I resent my place as his kajira, for I do not. It is simply that I love him, and sometimes that love makes me long to touch him in the same unthinking way I once did.

I know there must be ways a slave, a kajira especially, can ask her Master for his touch or seek permission to touch him herself. Yet I know so little of such things, and I have no idea what my Master might expect of me. Would he want me to ask each time, kneeling before him and waiting for his answer? Would he prefer that I learn to recognize when he welcomes my touch, or would he rather be the one to reach for me when the desire takes him? I find myself wondering whether there are things he might wish me to do that I have not yet learned, or whether the very act of asking would please him, knowing that I wish to be close to him.

I suppose I could simply ask him, and yet even that thought leaves me uncertain. How does a kajira tell her Master that she misses being able to put her arms around him whenever her heart wishes it? How does she explain that she wants to touch him not because she doubts her place at his side, but because she loves him and longs for that closeness? Perhaps these are things I must learn from him, as I have learned so many others during our journey. For now, I can only wonder what my Master would say if I were to ask, and to be honest; I’m not sure I am ready to ask those questions or hear the answers.